to quell the anger inside

i can remember the day i was told of my desiese just as if i were there now.  Sitting there in the doctor's hard plastic chair, breathing in the filtered air and reading his notes in my chart whilst he was out of the room. as if i were cheating on a test, i felt that i should not have pulled the chart across the table and opened the front page.
he comes in a short while later with his partner in medicine.  'oh great, a tag team match' i thought.  they sit down across from me with a grim look.

at that second or realization, my soul broke into a million sharp pieces.  it felt as if a thousand ants were stinging my body.  it felt like a bull had thrown me about like a rag doll. but most of all, it suddenly felt very very cold in that room.

'it's treatable, you have a chance of survival.'  one said
'i'll be frank with you, it's slim, but there is a chance' the other spoke

'how long?'  i questioned

'well, with treatment, you could have 5 years'

'and, without?'  i say

'6 months, tops'

i hang my head and let my shoulders fall, i've kept up the strong appearance long enough.  i let a single tear fall from my face, then i stand and walk out.  i walk out of that room like a prize fighter that just lost.  oblivious to all but the prospect that i'm gonna die sooner than i planned...

i have to make some calls, set up some meetings, get things in order...  i've used the best doctors in the U.S.  now it's time to plan for the option that they won't succeed...

the phone rings once, twice, three times

'hello?'

'hi Kris, it's me'

'oh, James.  how'd the doctor's visit come out?'

'i'll tell you later, but right now i need to go on a trip.  i'll be back tommorow, then i'll tell you all about what the doctor said.  ok?'

'oh, ok.  you want me to come with?'

'no, it's something that i gotta do alone.  don't ask, just trust me.'

'i do, you know i do.'

'ok, i have to go... i love you Kris.'

'i love you too'

after i hang up, i finally let my whole world collapse around me... the earth has cracked and swallowed me up, sending me to the oblivion...
NO!, pull yourself together, you got stuff to do... i say to myself... and with that, i'm off to New York to see my lawyer...